Guilt and Work
Guilt
While I have been wanting to tell anyone and everyone who will listen, especially those who I also think might care, I have been working so freaking hard to keep my trap shut! While I don’t have any established reason to worry that things won’t go well, I have heard too many stories and read too much advice about waiting to tell the world until after the first trimester is over. I doubt I’ll make it that long, but at the very least I’d like to wait until after I see my Dr. and she confirms that I am in fact pregnant and that it’s okay to tell people. At which point I will still likely keep it quiet from the general public, but will be excited to tell the people I trust and am close to. It took every fiber of my being to not tell Tawny last night. She’s my girl! Others can figure it out for themselves.
This brings me to the guilt. While It’s not in our current plan to spread the news, it has leaked out to a few close friends (and even a few relative strangers). And with each person who finds out before my parents and sister the guilt gets a little heavier. It’s so not fair for anyone to know before they do (with the exception of Ryan), I understand this. Here’s the thing though. The people who know so far didn’t get any cool surprise. No puzzle, no treat, no planning. I would have told my family the day I knew if I had everything planned, ready to go, and in their hands, but alas, I did not. So they wait. And I feel endlessly guilty. At least they don’t know they are waiting. Hopefully they don’t even notice that they weren’t the first to know. (I’m hoping that the “you’re going to be grandparents/ and aunt” thing will keep them distracted enough to not mind.
And that is a perfect segway into…
Work
I have to tell one more person. My boss. I’m going as far up the ladder as I can and requesting that the information stay between the 2 of us for now as there is no need for the others to know at this point.
I found out yesterday that our office manager is leaving us. I had asked months and months ago to be considered if she needed help at any point or decided to leave. Apparently that conversation was forgotten as the fill in has been chosen and isn’t me. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I love my regulars (it’s so so hard to not tell them too!). I also like the idea of learning new things and not letting work get too stagnant. I was thinking maybe I could do both. Apparently a reminder is needed that I’d like to do both and at this point, it seems to me that I would be a good choice to do both because at some point in the not too distant future, I may not be able to fit behind that teeny tiny bar of mine.
Ultimately, I want him to know so that if something else like this opportunity does come up, I want/need to be considered for it. I also want to start his wheels turning on what other options might be good for me when I’m too big to fit in the bar. (maybe I’ll be one of those pregnant chicks who only looks (and feels) like she’s 6 months pregnant when she’s really 9 months, but I’m not counting on it) I also want him to know my plans, and that I have been thinking about this seriously, taking it seriously, and want and need to keep working in whatever capacity as long as possible. I’d hate for him to find out some other way (he knows all) and feel blindsided or worried that I wasn’t going to tell him. So. We have a meeting setup for tomorrow afternoon in which I will spill the beans and share my plans and thoughts on the matter.
And then I’m done. I refuse to tell anyone else until my parents and sister know first. Even when the booze distributors come to see me with new samples that I can’t drink (yesterday). It’s only right. I feel like a bad kid for keeping them out of the loop this long. I hate that I didn’t opt for overnight shipping on everything I have ordered so far. I want them to know so badly!
All in due time I suppose.
Updates on how I’m feeling:
So far, still not feeling very different.
Everything I read about where I am in this adventure talks about how I may be feeling crappy and how to combat it, how to get workouts in when I feel like I’m going to yak and all that, but I feel fine. (I guess I really don’t have an excuse for not going to the gym)
When I’m hungry I’m really hungry. Not in a low blood sugar kind of way, but in a my stomach is so empty it’s eating itself kind of way.
Sometimes I feel like I have superman sense of smell, other times it seems normal.
I am peeing a lot which they say I will do based on hormones and all that, but I’m not convinced that it’s not just because I have been drinking extra water (like they say to do).
I have heard lots about constipation ( I think that’s supposed to happen later and not something I look forward to) but so far I have been more regular than ever. (possibly due to all the apricots I have been eating. Apricot season is my favorite)
Lots of water, lots of fruit. Yum!
thepregnantbartender 